I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
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