apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
