omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
