Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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