I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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