he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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