You smell like stripper and shame
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
