the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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