Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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