Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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