i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
