Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
