Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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