I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
