Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
