Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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