I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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