She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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