Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
