girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
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I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
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I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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