Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
