he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
