Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
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I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
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This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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