my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
