she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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