She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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