I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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