Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
