my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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