i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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