So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
