your parents love me but you hate me
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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