Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
