I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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