someone threw a dead crab at me
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
