somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
