You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
