The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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