I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
