Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
