I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
