booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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