Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
