Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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