You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
