she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I believe in your delicious
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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