Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
