I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
