so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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