farters have to be the big spoon...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
