Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
