So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
