Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
