Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
