Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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