Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
