As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
