White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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