before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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