I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
