I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
