I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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