She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
